Category Archives: Uncategorized

Out of Mind Experience

So I was chilling with a friend the other night when I had yet another “out of mind” experience. It’s like an “out of body” experience, only I am so in tune with my body that I feel every little physiological reaction to the extreme.

For example: he turned on Pandora and put it on a hip-hop shuffle then went out to walk his dog. While he was gone, my mind’s perception of the lyrics became metaphorical & so intense that I physically felt heat rising inside my body- to the point that the top of my head felt as if my hair had become flames burning on my scalp. I won’t repeat what those “messages” were urging me to do. I know it was simply a test of sorts. I suppose I passed: I refused to give in either by leaving or succumbing in an effort to alleviate discomfort I felt physically, as a result of what I was experiencing mentally.

At one point, after he’d come back, I began seeing his television screen in 3-D. I asked if it was even a 3-D capable model- it was not. Then at another point, my heart began this intense pounding as if it were going to beat right out of my chest: like in cartoons when a character seems to fall “in love” with another & you can see their heart protruding from their chest. My visuals morphed to match this scenario as well- it was quite disturbing.

I’d had similar experiences before & found myself in some very strange places and situations trying to just make sense of it all. But this time, I just sat still- waiting for it to pass: the “messages” made no logical or rational sense in that moment and, though I physically felt compelled to act on them, it wasn’t justified in my logical or emotional mind. So I took no action whatsoever.

TBC…

Where’s MY me!?

I’m exhausted. Sore. Got this huge tension knot right between my shoulder blades- where I, of course, am unable to reach.

Not that it’d matter if I could: don’t really know whether I give good massages or not- can’t really give myself one to find out. Just know it is something that is often asked of me: has been since I was a little kid slaving away on my grandmother’s back every night for what seemed like hours before she’d finally say I could be done & go to sleep.

But, as has been the #1 dilemma in my life, there are no hands offered to me- no arms to fall into at night when I’m feeling overwhelmed and achy from the day’s work.

I don’t mean to throw myself a pity party: I’m just kinda tired of always being needed- not wanted. I’m also tired of giving so much of myself to everyone else, yet feeling undeserving of anyone’s help. But mostly, I’m tired of feeling so much love for so many while still feeling utterly unloved by any.

I’m just tired of not having a friend like me 😦

This Is Why It Hurts…

So you know how every time we’ve ever “hooked up,” you’ve become so cold & distant afterwards? It’s like there’s this huge buildup of innuendo, culminating in the briefest of visits, then nothing: I barely hear from you for several weeks to months or even more.

Well…

THIS IS WHY THAT HURTS!!!!!!!

It hurts cuz you don’t call me & I feel like you don’t care.

It’s hurts cuz you don’t miss me- like you’re glad when I’m not there.

It hurts cuz idk when/if I’ll ever see more of you.

It hurts cuz idk if/whether you still wanna see me too.

It hurts cuz idk if somehow you’ve been disappointed.

Like maybe I’m not enough for you cuz I’m not double-jointed!

It hurts cuz sex is just one aspect of how we should connect.

It hurts cuz I often break my neck to give the sex that you expect.

It hurts cuz I’m not sure you care or that you even miss me.

It hurts cuz the last time you were here, you didn’t even kiss me.

It hurts cuz you want so little when I give so much more.

And cuz my heart is caught in limbo- wondering if I’m just your whore.

So, from now on- if you wonder why I send so many texts: it’s cuz I need to know that we’re still FRIENDS & I’m worth more to you than sex!

My Daughter

My first-born is rapidly becoming a beautiful, amazing young woman. I can’t even express how proud I feel! But honestly, I’ve no reason to take pride: she’s turning out wonderfully in spite of her upbringing- certainly not because of it. I wanted to be the “perfect” mom; but sadly, I’ve failed miserably. Yet- by some miracle of all that’s Divine- she still ended up turning out to be the perfect child!

The Trouble With Love…

So I’m reading this article all about what makes men fall in love & what makes them “fall out.” It’s nothing I haven’t heard or read before- and it makes sense, to a point. But I think it’s about time we stop pointing the finger at the women, and evaluate the man’s “mistakes” instead.

First off, it says that a man tends to develop an emotional bond- or “fall in love”- with a woman he can feel comfortable being himself around, one with whom he feels “safe” and able to open up to without feeling judged. Okay, but here’s the issue with that logic: ANYONE interested in you will MAKE attempts to give you this impression!!! I know that all too well: ended up attempting to commit myself to someone for 8yrs simply because- in the beginning- I felt this way around him. Luckily, I dodged a bullet by HIM having this major inability to commit himself to ONE woman- unfortunately only AFTER having become yet another name on his list of “baby-mamas.” But if I learned anything from that, it was that “comfortable” simply is NOT a good enough indicator that I should commit myself to ANYONE!

The problem in MY situation is that I was the one needing a place that I could be myself- he had an agenda that prompted him to go to GREAT lengths to impress me & convince me that he was who I needed in my life at that time: he wanted to fuck me and I wouldn’t let him.

It wasn’t so much “virtue” that prevented me from giving in: I certainly wasn’t at all a virgin by the time I’d met him. I simply didn’t find him attractive in the physical sense: he was alright from the neck down, but I’m a FACE person myself- and my standards are very specific. So since he didn’t push it, and I had no desire, he got in emotionally by continuing to talk & get to know me- even though he wasn’t getting in my pants.

I was only nineteen and he was 28, another reason I was both turned off by him physically and attracted to him emotionally: I grew up never knowing my real father- or having any stable, healthy, adult male role models in my life. I sure did have a ton of unhealthy ones though! And, at that point, he appeared to be the most stable, secure & loving man I had ever known. So it’s no wonder that all he had to do to get what he wanted was simply trigger a reflex that would convince me he was my “one” by giving attention to another female- which stirred up primitive instincts that led to me feeling like I better hurry up & mark my territory before I lost it to this chick.

Now think about what I just said: I wasn’t giving him what he wanted, so the solution was for him to give me what I needed– while keeping it casual & pursuing other options at the same time. This is exactly what us women are told to do by all the so-called experts!!!

Now don’t get me wrong, of course I can see how this obviously would work- it sure did on me, right? But I also realize just how manipulative and potentially destructive this can be as well: I wasn’t ever actually in love with him! I simply developed a type of love for him- the same type I felt towards my brother– and then he used that platonic “love” against me by causing me to believe in the facade he’d portrayed himself to be and then doing things to purposely incite feelings of jealousy, desire & competition that never would have surfaced had he not triggered them!

So please tell me why it is that I’m wrong for disagreeing with advice that tells me to basically do what I found to be hurtful, destructive and a huge waste of my time & energy- to the man I know is my one simply because that’s how guys think!? I’d rather be open & honest about what I feel for him so he can decide when it’s time to take it to the next level- or if I’m worth the trouble pursuing at all: I figure most men won’t dare open that can of worms unless they sense that it could have potential & therefore want to explore it at their own pace.

But apparently, I’m dead wrong: the absolute worst two things I can do as a woman are commit myself to him & let him know I’m committed! Supposedly, this is when he lost all respect for me- I believe it too: he’s been acting funny ever since I gave him a copy of that poem I’d written. According to the “experts,” men see emotional honesty & vulnerability as a sign of weakness in a woman. I guess I can see how that seems to make sense in their minds: after all, society as a whole tends to think of it as a sign of weakness in a man.

But, for one thing, women and men have very different brains for a very good reason: they are designed to be complimentary to one another- not competitive. Heterosexual men are, by nature, programmed simply to protect & provide. Heterosexual women, on the other hand, we were made to take care: of our children & home as well as our partner. Being the “caretaker” means putting other needs above our own- and rarely, if ever, seeing that our needs are met: especially our need for love. See, it is our job to give love to everyone & ensure their health and happiness- physically and emotionally.

Those of us who have children without a partner must find a way to protect and provide as well. Since this task of doing both jobs simultaneously more or less rips us in half, clearly the most logical solution would be to find a partner! Therefore, women tend to “settle” for the father of their offspring if at all possible, while the men simply choose to lead “double lives.” This way, they maintain the role of protector & provider to their own family, while having the “freedom” to get their other needs met outside of the “family”-type of relationship they have with the mother of their kids. They often seek stimulation physically, intellectually- at times, even emotionally– that this woman simply can’t provide them with. But for the women who “settle,” they’re able to supplement their needs for attention, affection, unconditional love & romance via other sources: friends, children, romance novels & soap operas, platonic male friends, and- of course- masturbation.

But what about the rest of us, huh? Those of us who don’t settle? When & where do we find our partners? If we do find them, how should we go about pursuing a future with them? What if they already have children with another woman and consider themselves already “tied down” in the “family” sense, so while seeking fulfillment of some sort- lack desire to explore or even contemplate the possibility of a future with us? How are to navigate being the one with whom they “feel at home,” yet never being the one they come home to!?

Apparently, the solution is to try to beat them at their own game: give them what they need, while getting what we want elsewhere. This just seems like total insanity to me! We know we love them, we know that we want to be committed to them, but we’re supposed to pretend that we are only using them, as well as force ourselves to spend time with other men!? Sounds like recipe for disaster to me: a sure-fire path to loneliness, bitterness, resentment towards all men- not to mention to possibly conceiving even more kids with the wrong partners!!!

I’m gonna stop here because I have gotten all off-topic, plus it’s getting late and I’ve got things to do. I’ll be revisiting this soon though- it is an issue that seems to be the central theme of my life: the one they want, not the one they want to be with.

Wtf…

Funny how I spent the entire day working on a project for you– even though I’m currently not speaking to you- yet had no desire to even attempt to contact you: because I was HAPPY!!!

Then my evening was spent trying to help others who’ve actually been there for me when I needed them, & resulted in me feeling lonelier than I’d felt the entire time I’d been home alone- working on a project for you!

Now all I want to do is talk to YOU, but I can’t: turns out you didn’t ever actually exist outside of my mind & heart after all 😦

Entwined

Our souls are entwined
Yours and mine
I’ve known it for all time
You choose not to see
And refuse to believe
But in the end you will find
That your heart belongs to me
I can’t take it by force
Nor would I- of course!
But sooner or later
As you’re seeking the source
Of your happiness
You’ll realize
It lingers only in my eyes
My love is the prize
So call- I’ll be waiting
When you can find time
Whenever you’re ready
For our lives to entwine

Wow…

Wish you’d quit being a douche and just get over yourself already: tired of being ignored. Not by you: used to that already. But for some weird reason, every time YOU quit talking to me, something in the Universe & all it contains somehow shifts and suddenly the ONLY ones who reach out to me are the ones I was trying to ignore because they were trying to pull me away from you. So wtf?

Maybe I AM just crazy or whatever. But when coincidences continue to occur repetitively over time, they’re no longer considered coincidental: they are then termed correlated & science attempts to discover, prove and REVEAL their relation! When an unfavorable outcome is at stake, it is how we determine PREVENTION! When outcomes are favorable, it is then reportable as a scientific FACT that we should do more of one if we desire more of the other.

But you are not a monkey so I don’t have legal authority to manipulate your brain for the purpose of testing my hypothesis. I can only continue observing- and making note of- the circumstances & coincidences that occur.

But this is like the twelfth time this same EXACT coincidence has now occurred. What do you think other scientists would infer from results such as these, hmmm…?