…just, wow. #tfw you glance back over your blog that you haven’t posted to in forever & realize 90% of the posts seem to have been written by a crazy person…
I wanna say how much I miss you, but you can’t miss what you never had. I guess life’s just kicking my ass right now & I’m just feeling kinda sad. Mad cuz I let you slip right through my fingers, and the pain still lingers. You fell through the cracks in my sanity and I can’t disagree, I just wish that I had that chance back. A chance to be who I really am, a chance for you to see me at my best. Instead of these nightmares of how I’ve behaved that just fill me up with rage & regrets.
But I digress…
I had more thoughts that made more sense, but they came so fast: they just came & they went. But none of it matters, there’s no argument that I acted a fool and the time that we spent was all just wasted on my ignorance.
I guess I just miss you. But you can’t really miss what you never had. I guess I’m just sad and honestly mad because I’ve spent my life giving to others, living for others. And all that I wanted was to be a good mother. But when it most mattered, I quickly discovered that no one was there: even when when I recovered. And I’ve never had a legitimate lover. Why would you be any different from the others? I’ve always been alone so I sit & I suffer the consequence of my discontent. Even when I repent, no one else gives a shit so why should you? You were never my boo. Or even my friend, I depended too much on you.
Now none of these words even make any sense & it wasn’t at all my original intent but I’ve forgotten the lines that brought me here to begin with so fuck it. I’m done.
And even if you don’t deserve it, you’re still my #1.
So I rarely write matter-of-factly on here- mostly because I prefer to remain anonymous to those who’d know me unless otherwise admitted by me directly. This is supposed to be a (creative!) outlet for all the zillions of thoughts, ideas, feelings & OPINIONS!!! I’ve got bouncing around inside my head at any given moment I should feel the need to share.
But this situation with my kids is getting crucial- and, despite the irony of said so-called “Messiah Complex” (Psychoanalytical label…), it seriously does seem as though I’m being crucified! You see, the people in control of my fate here & now don’t believe in me- or even seem to really have any spiritual beliefs at all. They certainly don’t seem to believe in GOOD or GOD– at least not as I’VE come to personally know either. Therefore, it is with the utmost prejudice in which they view my case: the case of whether or not I should be allowed to parent my own children- the children I gave birth to and have struggled the past decade to raise alone, the very same children I’d attempted to secure some type of help or assistance caring for several times throughout the years that my “illness” had rendered me virtually incapable of being the mother I’d set out- and was meant– to be.
I’ve got much more to add to this, but must take a break now.
If tonight, I should die
Know that it was unintentional
I was only trying to get some sleep
But all I could do was cry
No one person is in any way more responsible than another, although a few of you have recently pushed me over the edge worse than before
But all that matters now are my children- I want them to be happy and try to understand that I never meant to hurt them this way
I never meant to hurt them at all!
I’m sorry I couldn’t survive the fall.
So I was staring at the wall & wondering why you haven’t called & thinking it was all my fault & then I heard that old tree fall- you know the one: that falls down with no one around & nobody knows if it makes a sound?
Well I do. And it does: first it makes a couple cracks, then bends & breaks as it looks back. Then when it falls, it makes a SMACK like how it feels falling flat on your back…
…like I did that one time out of the tree we used to climb in our front yard- and man it hurt cuz I hit hard: knocked the wind right outta me like I could hardly breathe, so when I fell through all the branches & my hair was full of leaves…
…I ran inside thinking I might die because I couldn’t catch my breath and my back & neck were sore to death, but wasn’t greeted with respect or even sympathy…
…cuz once my grandma got one glimpse of me, she beat my ass extensively while screaming, “It’s what you get, you see!? And why girls don’t climb trees!!!”
Ah man- ain’t it sumthin’ y’all: that good ole’ country lovin’ bein’ given by a bumpkin to a kid not scared of nuthin’
But staring at this wall & thinking how you never call & how I’m always prone to fall just made it clear for once & all: love is bullshit.
See, like the tree- I scaled your wall & once on top, began to fall. Unlike the tree, you heard me call & offered not a branch at all, no pile of leaves to break my fall- you just sat back & watched it all: laughing as I hit.
You mistook my fondness for your heart as weakness from the start & though, at first, you played your part, you can’t be blamed for where we are because, just like a house of cards, it took no effort on your part getting it to fall apart: just space & time.
My weakness wasn’t what I felt- or even that I fell: that was inevitable, as well- a story I don’t need to sell. It’s that I simply couldn’t tell that you weren’t mine.
Of course, I knew we weren’t together & that you’d never say forever- all the time we were whatever existed only in my mind.
But my biggest mistake wasn’t the fall or the break- it was believing you were great & thinking that you could relate, always insisting you were kind.
You see, the you you used to be- he acted very differently. Can’t believe I couldn’t see you for the you you’re now to me: guess I saw wrong.
And now the you you are to me- he has become my enemy. He never gives me what I need: so now I’m gone.
Guess I shoulda just listened to my grandma all along…
…well, at least it’s not a sad, sappy love song.
I wanted to take you inside of me & make you feel all the things that I see- like how much better this world would be if there were a person half you & half me.
I wanted to bring you to ecstasy while building within you strong feelings for me so that you’d never deny what your eyes can’t see and know for a fact that I’m where you should be.
I wanted to give you more than you deserve by letting you access my every curve and then hear you say- though it may sound absurd- that you can’t help but hang on my every word.
I wanted to tell you how much I adore whenever you’re here, and how I abhor when you aren’t near: can’t take anymore.
I miss you like crazy, I desperately do. You astound & amaze me, you scare me some too.
Cuz whenever you’re near, I can’t help but feel you. But my biggest fear is that you don’t feel me too.
I hate my life without you- I can’t seem to make it work. But I hate my life with you: you act like such a jerk.
You’re never there when I need you. You never even try. And you don’t even seem to care as to how often for you I cry.
I’m so sick of all this bullshit. Just wanna rip your heart out. And on your grave I will spit, as you don’t care what I’m about.
I only wish that I could hurt you half as much as you’ve hurt me. But rest assured I’ll reimburse you for all the pain you’ve caused in me.
I can’t stand to hear your name: it makes me feel like I’m insane. To ever think that you could care. But all along, were never there.
This poem’s sounding dumb. Or maybe I’m just numb. Don’t know who you think you are, but never thought you’d go so far.
I hate everything about you. Not even sure why I didn’t doubt you.
But rest assured that I am done: I realize you never were my “one.”
I somehow made it through over 28 years unaffected by you.
Now I’m not saying that they were all good: chaos ensued a bit more often than it should.
But the best and worst of times my heart has ever known did not occur until you came, and then again when you were gone.
Never had I experienced a passion or love so strong; and neither did I grieve a loss or heartbreak as long.
I know I cannot have the best, lest willing to endure the worst. So I’m ready and willing to take both because I know that you were first.
Now it seems to me you’ve given up: but let it not be said that I gave up on you; I’d most gladly take the worst with, over my best day without you.
So when I claim to love you, please believe it to be true. I’d much prefer to endure the worst, than never know the best in lack of you.
First off, I never asked to be your kid, though I will take responsibility for all the rotten shit I did.
But I think it’s high time you take some responsibility too. I tried my damnedest to be better: I never wanted to be you!
But while you were supposed to be “raising” me, you were always cutting me down- just because you had a bad day & didn’t want me around.
And speaking of around- it seemed like you were never there. And whenever you were there, it seemed like you never cared.
Alone & scared, I was on my own- in a grownup’s world, but wasn’t grown.
All you taught me was wrong- that’s why we never got along.
Cuz when I tried, you couldn’t see it; and what we needed, you wouldn’t be it.
Personally, I think we all got cheated: what good’s a leader who’s defeated?
But I won’t talk about the beatings you watched him give but wouldn’t leave him.
Cuz I know he beat you too- I remember that time I was trying to save you.
He had you down & was choking you out- I never really knew what that fight was about.
I just remember screaming “STOP!” & trying to push him down. I can hear you gagging- I still remember the sound.
I got a knife from the kitchen- only not the right one. I wanted to kill him- I just wanted him gone.
But seeing as how I was only like a couple years old, I grabbed the first knife I could reach- the only one I could hold.
I poked him with it just like I’d seen someone do on TV. It didn’t cut him, but at least it diverted his anger towards me.
I’m not really sure exactly how the rest of it played out- I think maybe he started in on me, and my brain just blocked it out.
Anyway it doesn’t matter- the point’s already clear to see: been saving you since I was two. You never even tried to save me.
You take what you want when you want, then push me away when you don’t.
Mixed signals leave me confused so eventually, I begin to feel used & abused.
You said you’re not down for a relationship but we can’t have a conversation for shit without it turning into an argument cuz I get mad & say some shit I never meant then I’m left wondering where our friendship went cuz I’m being ignored til my emotions are spent.
Just cuz I never denied all that I feel inside, in spite of your pride, doesn’t mean you should hide!
Maybe I’m wrong- I thought you were strong & it felt like I belonged cuz we been at it so long.
I’m tired of being the strongest that I’ve ever known: been soldiering on since before I was grown.
I’d take out a loan just to buy you a throne but instead of a king, I guess I need a clone cuz I’m still always finding myself all alone when all it would take is a call on the phone.
Guess I waited too long cuz now you’re not home. But fuck it, I’m grown & I’m not gonna spend one more night on my own: should’ve picked up the phone.