Category Archives: My Hypothesis is…

The Purge

All that chatter, then nothing- no response whatsoever from either of them. Hmmm…and they wonder why I get “paranoid” thinking they’re in cahoots: either testing my sanity, my fidelity- or both. But this time, I’ve got a secret weapon: an outlet for the purging of racing thoughts, no matter how “crazy” they might be. And, since it appears as if no one’s going to read anything I write anyway (the “how-to” article said to gain an audience prior to starting a blog; I, on the other hand, have no need for an audience- just an outlet & the possibility that the universe will guide its audience to me…) I FINALLY HAVE TOTAL FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!

So, unlike with Facebook, I’m truly free to speak my mind and spill my guts as I see fit. If you’re reading this, you’re either me or you chose to ignore the disclaimer on my home page. Either way, WELCOME BRAVE SOUL!!!

Since I’m wide awake with thoughts racing through my head- so much so that I really can’t take in anymore information ‘lest my brain should explode- I figured I’ll just type myself to sleep instead. What could one little post filled with idle rambling hurt, eh? I’m trying hard not to allow myself to get lost in technology & all it’s subliminal messages right now: deciphering all the secrets of the universe is just too much like work- and we all know how my mind feels about work…

Wasn’t I supposed to write a song today? Oh well: no music or lyrics came to me. Honestly, I’ve had a severe case of writer’s block for about two years now: the last poem I wrote was the one I gave him for his birthday that summer- little did I know it’d be the last I saw of him before he left in November. I was already gone myself, and he claims that’s why I never got a proper goodbye: Because after months of basically begging him to come see me, I decided to move across the state like a week before he left. ‘Friends’ is on right now and I am reminded of the episode where Rachel tells everyone goodbye- except Ross. I wasn’t really into this show in the ’90s, so I don’t remember seeing that particular episode until last summer: When I was still just trying to get a handle on him being gone- and having no clue if or when I’d see him again.

I remember enjoying that episode very much- it gave me hope as I believed it was some sort of insight into his mind at the time: technology, media & all other art forms the Universe has control over are good for that. But is the irony in the message? Or is the message just that- sad little moments of irony or coincidence that our pathetic minds and desperate hearts interpret as “signs” because we want something to be so badly, yet know the outcome is completely out of our hands. It’s our futile attempt at gaining control over something that was never ours to control anyway: life.

I was talking with my mother earlier about this very thing- that no human being has any actual control over anyone’s life: not even their own. We were comparing notes over failed or botched suicide attempts: turns out I’m not the only “crazy” in my family- just the first to “come out,” so to speak. Anyway, I told her that only One controls life & death: The Most High or “God,” if you’re more comfortable with that term. And with that, I am reminded of something I heard once in one of the many group therapy sessions I’ve attended: CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION.

With that, I’ll just leave you with this:


Think about it 😉


So I was coming on here to write a post about whatever was on my mind, but got sidetracked playing around with this Gravatar thing- cool idea but I’ve got so many different pics I love that I’m constantly changing my profile pic anyway. Uploading and editing all those pics was quite time-consuming and I just realized what I got the laptop out for anyway: to buy myself just a few more minutes of laziness by justifying it with a post. I’ve come to the conclusion that what I actually “suffer” from isn’t ADHD, but rather ADLD: Attention Deficit/Laziness Disorder. Could’ve been more “clinical” and said “Inactivity Disorder” instead, but let’s call a spade a spade: I’ve become quite lazy in my old age!!!

But the attention span thing- that has actually gotten worse. Although I have to wonder, as I now realize that ten minutes has turned into an hour and seventeen minutes, if my so-called “distractability” isn’t just one of my brain’s many subconscious techniques for putting off work!? Does my mind distract itself on purpose so that it can continue focusing on whatever it wants to focus on rather than whatever I really need to be giving my full attention to in a given moment? And if so, should this be considered a character defect or some sort of “illness” of the mind? I mean, if you think about it, it’s only logical for the mind to strive to focus its attention on that which gives it pleasure while avoiding any task that causes it stress, boredom, or any other unpleasant experience: such as housework.

Strangely though, it isn’t really so much the physical work I dread: I actually love to clean & organize- I’m kind of a perfectionist in that way. I think what I really dread is what the work represents, the fact that there’s too much to do to feel any sense of real accomplishment anytime soon, that I have no help whatsoever- it’s all on ME!- and also what I will inevitably encounter in the process of cleaning/organizing my old room: mementos & souvenirs of my youth (which will then remind me that it’s gone forever) and my children (which will of course remind me that they’re gone as well- and it’s all my fault…) and other things that I know will try to break me down emotionally. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE HIRE MAIDS!!!

My deadline is quickly arriving and there’s so much still to do, yet here I sit feeling lost and helpless, typing this while planes keep flying overhead- I’m inside with all the doors and windows shut, but for the last few minutes, their engines have been loud and clear as if I were standing on a runway. I’ll take the hint & get back to work- thanks for keeping me in check, Captain! (salute) I doubt you’re reading this- not sure anyone ever will- but if you do then you know who you are and what I’m talking about. For anyone else (including me), I’ll have to explain later: time to stop thinking about doing and just DO IT!!!