All that chatter, then nothing- no response whatsoever from either of them. Hmmm…and they wonder why I get “paranoid” thinking they’re in cahoots: either testing my sanity, my fidelity- or both. But this time, I’ve got a secret weapon: an outlet for the purging of racing thoughts, no matter how “crazy” they might be. And, since it appears as if no one’s going to read anything I write anyway (the “how-to” article said to gain an audience prior to starting a blog; I, on the other hand, have no need for an audience- just an outlet & the possibility that the universe will guide its audience to me…) I FINALLY HAVE TOTAL FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!
So, unlike with Facebook, I’m truly free to speak my mind and spill my guts as I see fit. If you’re reading this, you’re either me or you chose to ignore the disclaimer on my home page. Either way, WELCOME BRAVE SOUL!!!
Since I’m wide awake with thoughts racing through my head- so much so that I really can’t take in anymore information ‘lest my brain should explode- I figured I’ll just type myself to sleep instead. What could one little post filled with idle rambling hurt, eh? I’m trying hard not to allow myself to get lost in technology & all it’s subliminal messages right now: deciphering all the secrets of the universe is just too much like work- and we all know how my mind feels about work…
Wasn’t I supposed to write a song today? Oh well: no music or lyrics came to me. Honestly, I’ve had a severe case of writer’s block for about two years now: the last poem I wrote was the one I gave him for his birthday that summer- little did I know it’d be the last I saw of him before he left in November. I was already gone myself, and he claims that’s why I never got a proper goodbye: Because after months of basically begging him to come see me, I decided to move across the state like a week before he left. ‘Friends’ is on right now and I am reminded of the episode where Rachel tells everyone goodbye- except Ross. I wasn’t really into this show in the ’90s, so I don’t remember seeing that particular episode until last summer: When I was still just trying to get a handle on him being gone- and having no clue if or when I’d see him again.
I remember enjoying that episode very much- it gave me hope as I believed it was some sort of insight into his mind at the time: technology, media & all other art forms the Universe has control over are good for that. But is the irony in the message? Or is the message just that- sad little moments of irony or coincidence that our pathetic minds and desperate hearts interpret as “signs” because we want something to be so badly, yet know the outcome is completely out of our hands. It’s our futile attempt at gaining control over something that was never ours to control anyway: life.
I was talking with my mother earlier about this very thing- that no human being has any actual control over anyone’s life: not even their own. We were comparing notes over failed or botched suicide attempts: turns out I’m not the only “crazy” in my family- just the first to “come out,” so to speak. Anyway, I told her that only One controls life & death: The Most High or “God,” if you’re more comfortable with that term. And with that, I am reminded of something I heard once in one of the many group therapy sessions I’ve attended: CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION.
With that, I’ll just leave you with this:
ISN’T EXISTENCE ITSELF SIMPLY AN ILLUSION OF THE MIND???
Think about it 😉