Category Archives: Daily Thoughts

What I Wanted To Be…

What’s the very first thing you can remember thinking, “That’s what I wanna be when I grow up!”- do you remember? I just did. I had a flash in my mind that took me back to a time long before I ever wanted to be anything other than a mother. And I only knew I wanted that because I already knew I wanted him- he was always in my heart, on my mind or in my dreams even long before he actually existed: I’m two years and four months older than him- but he was with me even when I was born.

The only other strong, instinctual drive I’d felt up to this point: about six or seven years of age, was just to figure out a way to make it all better. And by all, I meant the entire universe, as best as I was able to comprehend it, but mostly people: I saw where people kept seeming to go wrong, and I simply felt a strong and natural desire to make it right.

And so, standing in the tiny library of my small, segregated school of no more than two hundred kids, all of whom lived right there beside it in the heart of “Old North Knoxville,” in the city of Knoxville, in the county of Knox, in the state of Tennessee, in the United States of America, on the continent of North America, in the Northern/Western hemispheres I saw on a pull-down map in my classroom which, up to that point, had been my only visual representation of the world at large back in 1988. And I knew it was a vast world I could only hope to ever get the chance to even explore-let alone change- unless I were like a President or something. THAT’S IT: I’d just become President! Then I’d be able to fix it ALL!

I know what you’re thinking: crazy, huh? Of course, by the time I was in fifth grade, I’d learned that politics was nothing more than popularity contests to the extreme: hence my simply running for class treasurer- knowing I could never compete for the presidency against my dearest friend!!!

But still, I remember- for a fleeting moment in time- the first thing that I’d ever actually thought, “I want to be that when I grow up!” was to be President! I remember looking it up in the library that day: “requirement list for becoming a President of the United States of America.” Only we didn’t have Google Search- I had to use the actual card catalog as well as my own personal knowledge of the Dewey Decimal System.

It was the mid-late ’80s, but I found what I could at that time: reference material with the requirements for being elected as a President of the USA- it said I must be born in the United States: check! And the only other requirement that this replica of some scroll-looking document pictured on the pages in the book I was reading stated that I must be at least 35yrs of age.

Well, that settled it then: obviously I’d just have to wait until I was old enough, then I’d run for president!

Well, guess what!? My thirty-fifth birthday happens to fall the year of the next presidential election. Am I planning to run? Of course not!!! I’d given up on that dream almost as fast as I’d had it because, unlike the mothers who see hope in the future through their children, mine made it clear early-on that we were never meant to amount to anything more than what we already were. I’d just believed in myself that I could find a way to be more. But once she let me know those were “crazy ideas,” I just started keeping them buried deep in the back of my mind while I attempted to figure out what I was intended to do.

Twenty-five plus years later, here I am: doing nothing, having nothing, having amounted to nothing at all. I do not have any proof of my skills because my skills have been self-taught along the way by utilizing technology to learn what I wanted to and when, as well as following the examples of the handful tossed along my path to help lead me into the right direction. I have no degree or pedigree, for that matter. There’d be absolutely nothing on a resume qualifying me for any job or career in which I could truly make such a difference as to be satisfied or even fulfilled and financially sustained by my work. I can’t even get hired as a cashier at this point- trust me: I’ve put in several, albeit reluctant, applications!

Now, I don’t even get to be the first and last thing that I wanted even in infancy myself: a perfect mother. Of course, I still will be involved in my children’s lives- M.H. doesn’t hate me that much for my mistakes- I’ll just be more of a background mom: one who supports from the sideline while letting someone else coach the team and call the plays. And as much as it sucks that I’ll never be President, (although I’d prob have at least a snowball’s chance in hell if I were to run…) it sucks most that I will never again truly feel like I’m a mom either. I’ll always feel like a mother: always have, always will. I mean the feeling you get when you actually do become somebody’s “mama” or whatever the people you made from your own body and for whose livelihood you are now solely responsible call you on that first, highly-anticipated occasion when they do call you something- that later will become your least of favorite words in their vocabulary right along with “no” and “can I get” by the time they are teens.

But then, eventually they’ll be gone: hopefully for yours- grown, ready to live on their own. But for mine, the time for letting go came far sooner than I had anticipated: my oldest is just embarking on her journey into womanhood, my youngest has yet to embark even upon school. But I have no choice in this moment: my reality is very clear. I must resign myself to being merely a spectator in the lives and development of my children, knowing full-well that, if not for Him, I certainly won’t have the option of ever having any more.

I wanted to be me, I wanted to be he, I wanted to be we, but now I’m never going to be any of the three…

…so I guess I’ll run for president!

An original work by *crptnite*

All content is to be considered fictional and any likeness to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental- all truths are said in jest 😉

Posted from WordPress for Android

Landon’s Room

Stumbled upon this in an unrelated search- LOVE THE IDEAS!!! Just pretty sure I’ll probably never need them 😦

A Beautiful Mess

This past weekend I started to have a freak-out session (I might be exaggerating a little bit here, but I did realize that time is passing me by quickly). My little Landon is not so little anymore….ImageOn Monday, Dave made Landon’s crib into a “toddler bed”. It hit me that I never really captured his nursery in pictures…and we worked HARD on his nursery. Turning the crib into a big boy bed really didn’t change it much, it just made me get on the ball to take pictures of his room so we won’t forget it….sooooo welcome to Landon’s room (soon to be Max’s and Landon’s room)

Let me first start by saying, babies could care less about de-popcorned ceilings and crown molding. Before having Landon, Dave and I did a lot of DIY projects around the house. The biggest project was our kitchen, but that is a whole…

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Federal Minimum STARTING WAGE Proposal

First, utilize available technologies to compile available data of current existing jobs including levels of the following:

*MINIMUM education, experience, training, skill and/or talent required

*MAXIMUM immediate and/or long-term personal health and safety risks involved

*Average turnover rate of employees (higher rate = lower score)

*Potential for advancement and/or long-term earning potential of starting position

*Overall importance of position to society at large

Once the data is compiled and processed, all jobs can then be easily ranked into one of seven tiers. The lowest being those with the least overall in all categories up to the highest being the highest overall in all categories.

*All jobs which can be performed by minors automatically start as a Tier-1 position unless applicant is over 21, in which case- and at their employer’s discretion- they may be hired at the Tier-2 rate.

*This model is to include all salaried and/or hourly workers, the only exceptions being independent contractors and/or volunteers.

*All NEW JOBS created heretofore must first be evaluated and placed into the proper tier accordingly.

*No further changes are to be made to this model as it presents already the opportunity for a LIVING WAGE based on either advancement with current position OR pursuance of a HIGHER-LEVEL CAREER.

5.00USD Hourly MINIMUM or 10,400USD Annual MAXIMUM

7.50USD Hourly MINIMUM or 15,600USD Annual MAXIMUM

10.00USD Hourly MINIMUM or 20,800USD Annual MAXIMUM

12.50USD Hourly MINIMUM or 26,000USD Annual MAXIMUM

15.00USD Hourly MINIMUM or 31,200USD Annual MAXIMUM

20.00USD Hourly MINIMUM or 41,600USD Annual MAXIMUM

25.00USD Hourly MINIMUM or 52,000USD Annual MAXIMUM

*All NEW hires MUST accept this STARTING WAGE for their FIRST YEAR of employment, regardless of their performance.

*After ONE CONSECUTIVE YEAR of employment, each NEW HIRE must be evaluated based on their VALUE to the employer AS WELL AS their VALUE to their coworkers AND the people they serve: the CONSUMER.

*Anonymous consumer AND employee surveys MUST be utilized in compiling data for rating employee’s overall value in those areas.

*Those employees in ALL jobs who excelled in ALL areas would be the ones to ADVANCE in their careers the FURTHEST and the FASTEST.

*Employees who excel in one area but not so much in others would be able to advance as well, but by less until such time that they DO excel in ALL AREAS.

*Employees who do NOT excel in ANY areas would then either have to be terminated OR agree to work their SECOND year at the same rate of pay as their STARTING WAGE.

For example:
Tiers 1-2 would be REQUIRED to offer an increase of 10% for each area of EXCELLENCE after the first year of employment for a TOTAL POTENTIAL of a 30% INCREASE after their FIRST YEAR of work.

After that, annual increases of no less than 10% must be given based on the same criteria. Meaning: the employees who continue to excel in ALL areas MUST be increased at least 10% each year until reaching the TOP-OUT pay for their position while those who do NOT excel in ANY areas MUST continue to be held at the STARTING WAGE until such time that they DO. Employees who excel in two of the three areas MUST be increased at a rate of 7.5% annually while those who excel in only ONE area receive an annual increase of 5% until such time as their performance improves or they reach TOP-OUT PAY for their position.

*All employers have the option of determining their TOP-OUT PAY for each individual position within the company. This is the MAXIMUM EARNING POTENTIAL for said job.

*The MINIMUM TOP-OUT PAY for ANY position MUST be equivalent to the MINIMUM STARTING WAGE of a TIER-5 position (15.00USD hourly or 31,200USD annually.)

*The MINIMUM TOP-OUT PAY for Tier-3-5 positions MUST be equivalent to the MINIMUM STARTING WAGE of a TIER-7 position (25.00USD hourly or 52,000USD annually.)

*By this model, those working in TIER-1 positions MUST remain in those positions for a MINIMUM of 10 consecutive years BEFORE they can reach TOP-OUT PAY unless the EMPLOYER deems otherwise.

*Prior employment or experience DOES NOT GUARANTEE a HIGHER starting wage, although employers do have the option of starting at a higher wage based on experience AT THEIR DISCRETION! Employers are under NO OBLIGATION to take previous employment/experience into consideration when hiring for any position.

*Tiers 3-5 would increase at a rate of 25% minimum for those who do excel in ALL areas and a minimum of 10% for those who excel in one or more but not ALL areas. As always, employees who do NOT excel in ANY areas MUST ACCEPT to work for the STARTING WAGE until their next ANNUAL REVIEW.

*Tiers 6-7 would increase at a rate of 25%-100% based on the same criteria/annual review requirement.

*Federal AND Private student loans for those going into tier 6-7 positions MUST be deferred for at least the FIRST YEAR of employment.

By this model, someone aspiring to be a physician would understand- and agree to- a first-year salary of $52k with a second-year salary potential of $104k, etc.

Other benefits of this model:
*Incentive to strive for better and higher-tier long-term careers

*Easily weeds out those not really cut-out for specific jobs

*Prevents employer-bias

*Incentive for better performance and overall work-ethic

*Allows for more fairness in EVERY workplace

An original work by *crptnite*

All content is to be considered fictional and any likeness to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental- all truths are said in jest 😉

Posted from WordPress for Android

Lesson Well Learned

It’s easy to love
When your love is returned
Not so easy, you see
When your heart- for him- burns
And when all that you give
Is rejected and spurned
I guess all you can call it
Is a lesson well-learned

An original work by *crptnite*

All content is to be considered fictional and any likeness to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental- all truths are said in jest 😉

Posted from WordPress for Android

What Are We?

Love intertwined
That can’t be defined
I wish you were mine
But we can’t seem to align

You’re afraid to tell me
All that you want us to be
So scared I’m not what you need
Or won’t allow you to be free

But if only you knew
That what I’m feeling is true
And just what I would do
Given half the chance with you

I would love you so fully
And give you whatever you need
Whenever you were with me
Anything you wanted, I’d be

But for now, I’ll wait & see
If you really do love me
When you’re finally free
And no longer humiliating me

An original work by *crptnite*

All content is to be considered fictional and any likeness to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental- all truths are said in jest 😉

Posted from WordPress for Android


I feel like an angel who never got her wings
Like a musical prodigy who never learned how to sing
Like a married woman who never got any rings
Like a guru master who never learned a thing

Maybe if I try, I can figure it out
What this life’s for & what it’s all about
But it’s the trying too hard that’s got me feeling left out
I suppose I should consider taking another route

Like giving up, giving in- just letting it all go
I could disappear right now and no one would know
For my time on this earth, I’ve got nothing to show
And my time on this earth’s really starting to blow

So I’m starting to think maybe it’s time I just go

To another place, to another existence
Where love transcends through time and through distance
And I’ll be rewarded for my loving persistence
By overcoming your heart, despite all your resistance

Isn’t it funny how life ironically turns out?
To be just what you needed, what you were living without
Despite all your protests, despite all your doubts
Turns out love really IS what it’s all about

Maybe you think it’s just my insanity
But did you ever stop to think that maybe I could set you free?
Behind all the mistakes- all of the flaws that you see
I’m the one who loved you most- in the end it’s just me

I hope that’s enough to keep you on board
I know I can promise that you’ll never get bored…
Despite my reputation- all the ways that I’ve whored
Your heart, to me, is like the Excalibur sword

I’m the only one strong enough to pull it from the stone
And only I can take care of it- only I alone
Just like you’re the only one who can truly make me moan…
Whenever I’m with you, I know that I’m home

And I don’t even mind if you roam…

As long as you always come back to me
Your light has shown me the way- now I see
And with me, please know that you’ll always be free
I love only you. Please love only me ❤

An original work by *crptnite*

All content is to be considered fictional and any likeness to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental- all truths are said in jest 😉

Posted from WordPress for Android

Churchwell to Tamerlane

So I just finished watching Homeless to Harvard: The Liz Murray Story. It’s the true story of a girl about my age in NYC who grew up with drug-addicted parents and who subsequently left home at age fifteen. When her mother died, she began attending school, finished at the top of her class in only 2yrs and then earned a scholarship to attend Harvard.

As inspirational as this story is, it’s merely a glaring example showing me that, while I had a pretty shitty childhood, apparently it just wasn’t quite shitty enough to motivate me to do better.

In fact, instead of pushing myself to succeed despite the lack of support from my family, I only shrank back in fear. I always believed myself to be capable of greatness- just never trusted that anyone else ever would believe in me as well. So why try?

What if it really was all in my head? What if my so-called potential only existed in my mind? If I attempted to reach the impossible dreams I’d always envisioned for myself & that turned out to be true, I’d not only be a failure- I’d be a failure without a dream.

And so I never tried because it just seemed to me that, until I had that one person in my life who believed in me even when I couldn’t, nothing I attempted to achieve would be a success. And it’s true: nothing that I have attempted on my own since he found me has succeeded!!!

I have failed– and failed miserably– at everything 😦

An original work by *crptnite*

All content is to be considered fictional and any likeness to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental- all truths are said in jest 😉

Posted from WordPress for Android


I’m feeling blue.
Maybe it’s because I miss you.
Or maybe it’s cuz there’s no moon.
I hope you hurry back soon.
I know I drive you crazy-
What can I say? I’m a loon.
I really wanna have your baby.
Are we in tune?
Boy, you know you still amaze me.
Let’s begin soon.
And I don’t even mind the waiting-
I just miss you.


An original work by *crptnite*

All content is to be considered fictional and any likeness to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental- all truths are said in jest 😉

Posted from WordPress for Android