Category Archives: Captain’s Chronicles

The Butterfly That Emerged (From The Rose That Grew From Concrete)

Remember the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete? It pushed through the harshness of adversity, determined to see the sun. But it’s journey wasn’t yet complete, it had only just begun.

Although it had surfaced, it’s beauty in full bloom, buried deep within the rose was a tiny cocoon.

Here lied the life-force, the strength it would need to develop as a rose in a sea of concrete and weeds.

How it got there, no one knows- not even the rose. Guess this just happened to be the one that God chose.

But it laid there protected, nestled deep in the bloom. And it grew undetected- like a child in a womb.

When it had learned all it could in a place without light, it began struggling to break free- but was afraid to take flight.

Without guidance, it was fighting- all alone with itself. ‘Til it poked one tiny hole and began calling for help.

Along came a bee, busy sowing his seeds, who was drawn to this rose which stood out from the weeds.

He flew into the petals to gather it’s pollen, but as he got deeper, heard the tiny voice calling.

“Relax!” said the bee, “Soon you’ll fly just like me! But first you must struggle- only you can break free! I’d save you if I could, but you must know one thing: it takes the pressure of the struggle to develop your wings! But should you ever make it- and I suggest that you try, I believe you will emerge a glorious butterfly!”

His words gave her hope and the courage to persevere. Then he left her to struggle and face down her fears.

It took several tries, but she finally got it right: first one hole, then another- she was determined to take flight!

One day she finally emerged and spread her beautiful wings! Then set off to find the bee because she knew she was his queen- though she didn’t know how or where or why: for she had come from the ground and he came from the sky.

When she finally caught his attention, he just looked at her and smiled. He said, “Did I forget to mention: I dig chicks who are wild!”

Where the wind would take them, neither of them knew. And neither did they care- they just had fun as they flew!

The Purge

All that chatter, then nothing- no response whatsoever from either of them. Hmmm…and they wonder why I get “paranoid” thinking they’re in cahoots: either testing my sanity, my fidelity- or both. But this time, I’ve got a secret weapon: an outlet for the purging of racing thoughts, no matter how “crazy” they might be. And, since it appears as if no one’s going to read anything I write anyway (the “how-to” article said to gain an audience prior to starting a blog; I, on the other hand, have no need for an audience- just an outlet & the possibility that the universe will guide its audience to me…) I FINALLY HAVE TOTAL FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!

So, unlike with Facebook, I’m truly free to speak my mind and spill my guts as I see fit. If you’re reading this, you’re either me or you chose to ignore the disclaimer on my home page. Either way, WELCOME BRAVE SOUL!!!

Since I’m wide awake with thoughts racing through my head- so much so that I really can’t take in anymore information ‘lest my brain should explode- I figured I’ll just type myself to sleep instead. What could one little post filled with idle rambling hurt, eh? I’m trying hard not to allow myself to get lost in technology & all it’s subliminal messages right now: deciphering all the secrets of the universe is just too much like work- and we all know how my mind feels about work…

Wasn’t I supposed to write a song today? Oh well: no music or lyrics came to me. Honestly, I’ve had a severe case of writer’s block for about two years now: the last poem I wrote was the one I gave him for his birthday that summer- little did I know it’d be the last I saw of him before he left in November. I was already gone myself, and he claims that’s why I never got a proper goodbye: Because after months of basically begging him to come see me, I decided to move across the state like a week before he left. ‘Friends’ is on right now and I am reminded of the episode where Rachel tells everyone goodbye- except Ross. I wasn’t really into this show in the ’90s, so I don’t remember seeing that particular episode until last summer: When I was still just trying to get a handle on him being gone- and having no clue if or when I’d see him again.

I remember enjoying that episode very much- it gave me hope as I believed it was some sort of insight into his mind at the time: technology, media & all other art forms the Universe has control over are good for that. But is the irony in the message? Or is the message just that- sad little moments of irony or coincidence that our pathetic minds and desperate hearts interpret as “signs” because we want something to be so badly, yet know the outcome is completely out of our hands. It’s our futile attempt at gaining control over something that was never ours to control anyway: life.

I was talking with my mother earlier about this very thing- that no human being has any actual control over anyone’s life: not even their own. We were comparing notes over failed or botched suicide attempts: turns out I’m not the only “crazy” in my family- just the first to “come out,” so to speak. Anyway, I told her that only One controls life & death: The Most High or “God,” if you’re more comfortable with that term. And with that, I am reminded of something I heard once in one of the many group therapy sessions I’ve attended: CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION.

With that, I’ll just leave you with this:

ISN’T EXISTENCE ITSELF SIMPLY AN ILLUSION OF THE MIND??? 

Think about it 😉

An Island Fantasy

Oh what I would give to be lost at sea!

Nobody else: just the Captain and me

Not another soul for miles & miles

As we sail on toward deserted isles

To be shipwrecked on salty land

Our burning flesh all covered in sand

Our bodies uniting as we intertwine

Until the sun turns the ocean into sweet red wine

I pleasure him, he pleasures me

Together we explode into exctasy

I’d look in his eyes and kiss his lips

Caress his whole body with my fingertips

He’d quench my thirst and I’d quench his

Together we’d discover what paradise is

We’d live off the land and each other’s love

At night we’d explore all the Heavens above

We’d never grow weak and we’d never grow old

We’d never grow tired and we’d never grow cold

He’d love me as much on the day that I die

As I loved him when he said good bye

But now he is there and I am here

Losing him was my biggest fear

Yet I look toward the sky and can’t help but smile

Thinking of my Captain and our deserted isle ❤

While You Were Gone

While you were gone, I finally got brave & left home: I moved away to the country, got back in touch with nature- on my own.

While you were gone, I sat on a stone overlooking a creek- reading Marjorie Holmes.

While you were gone, I spent my first Thanksgiving and Christmas in someone else’s home.

While you were gone, I read the entire Bible cover-to-cover.

While you were gone, my step-dad passed on so we moved back home with my mother.

While you were gone, I finally got to see my kids’ toes wiggling in the sand- and saw the ocean again for the first time since I was twelve.

While you were gone, I was mostly alone with my kids & really needed your help.

While you were gone, we stayed in a homeless shelter after some Wal*Mart employee said sleeping in their parking lot is wrong.

While you were gone, I chased the moon to Alabama & begged it to bring you home.

While you were gone, I really wasn’t sure where I belonged.

While you were gone, I kissed my dad’s mom goodbye- but couldn’t make it home for the funeral when she died.

While you were gone, I didn’t sleep: I just looked at your pictures and cried.

While you were gone, I sang in public for the first time: I opened with Whatta Man but should’ve sang Any Man of Mine.

While you were gone, I got raped again- or maybe it was my fault for drinking too much and thinking he was a friend.

While you were gone, I tried to be faithful- I wanted to stay pure. But I slipped a few times ‘cuz waiting’s hard when you’re unsure: the way you left it made me think you didn’t want me anymore.

While you were gone, I lost my mind & they locked me up again- took my kids: they took my life- when all I needed was a friend.

While you were gone, I overdosed twice & tried to strangle myself: I used the phone cord                       I was really hurting & needed help- you’d thought I’d only called ‘cuz I was bored.

While you were gone, I learned to let go- and now I find that I am free: losing control was the way to go in order to finally learn to love ME!

While you were gone, I did almost everything except moving on: I tried but my heart won’t accept it was wrong.

I really missed you while you were gone ❤