Monthly Archives: December 2013

Ripping Off the Band-Aid

First off, I never asked to be your kid, though I will take responsibility for all the rotten shit I did.

But I think it’s high time you take some responsibility too. I tried my damnedest to be better: I never wanted to be you!

But while you were supposed to be “raising” me, you were always cutting me down- just because you had a bad day & didn’t want me around.

And speaking of around- it seemed like you were never there. And whenever you were there, it seemed like you never cared.

Alone & scared, I was on my own- in a grownup’s world, but wasn’t grown.

All you taught me was wrong- that’s why we never got along.

Cuz when I tried, you couldn’t see it; and what we needed, you wouldn’t be it.

Personally, I think we all got cheated: what good’s a leader who’s defeated?

But I won’t talk about the beatings you watched him give but wouldn’t leave him.

Cuz I know he beat you too- I remember that time I was trying to save you.

He had you down & was choking you out- I never really knew what that fight was about.

I just remember screaming “STOP!” & trying to push him down. I can hear you gagging- I still remember the sound.

I got a knife from the kitchen- only not the right one. I wanted to kill him- I just wanted him gone.

But seeing as how I was only like a couple years old, I grabbed the first knife I could reach- the only one I could hold.

I poked him with it just like I’d seen someone do on TV. It didn’t cut him, but at least it diverted his anger towards me.

I’m not really sure exactly how the rest of it played out- I think maybe he started in on me, and my brain just blocked it out.

Anyway it doesn’t matter- the point’s already clear to see: been saving you since I was two. You never even tried to save me.

Lonely Girl Rap

You take what you want when you want, then push me away when you don’t.

Mixed signals leave me confused so eventually, I begin to feel used & abused.

You said you’re not down for a relationship but we can’t have a conversation for shit without it turning into an argument cuz I get mad & say some shit I never meant then I’m left wondering where our friendship went cuz I’m being ignored til my emotions are spent.

Just cuz I never denied all that I feel inside, in spite of your pride, doesn’t mean you should hide!

Maybe I’m wrong- I thought you were strong & it felt like I belonged cuz we been at it so long.

I’m tired of being the strongest that I’ve ever known: been soldiering on since before I was grown.

I’d take out a loan just to buy you a throne but instead of a king, I guess I need a clone cuz I’m still always finding myself all alone when all it would take is a call on the phone.

Guess I waited too long cuz now you’re not home. But fuck it, I’m grown & I’m not gonna spend one more night on my own: should’ve picked up the phone.

Peace!

Out of Mind Experience

So I was chilling with a friend the other night when I had yet another “out of mind” experience. It’s like an “out of body” experience, only I am so in tune with my body that I feel every little physiological reaction to the extreme.

For example: he turned on Pandora and put it on a hip-hop shuffle then went out to walk his dog. While he was gone, my mind’s perception of the lyrics became metaphorical & so intense that I physically felt heat rising inside my body- to the point that the top of my head felt as if my hair had become flames burning on my scalp. I won’t repeat what those “messages” were urging me to do. I know it was simply a test of sorts. I suppose I passed: I refused to give in either by leaving or succumbing in an effort to alleviate discomfort I felt physically, as a result of what I was experiencing mentally.

At one point, after he’d come back, I began seeing his television screen in 3-D. I asked if it was even a 3-D capable model- it was not. Then at another point, my heart began this intense pounding as if it were going to beat right out of my chest: like in cartoons when a character seems to fall “in love” with another & you can see their heart protruding from their chest. My visuals morphed to match this scenario as well- it was quite disturbing.

I’d had similar experiences before & found myself in some very strange places and situations trying to just make sense of it all. But this time, I just sat still- waiting for it to pass: the “messages” made no logical or rational sense in that moment and, though I physically felt compelled to act on them, it wasn’t justified in my logical or emotional mind. So I took no action whatsoever.

TBC…

Where’s MY me!?

I’m exhausted. Sore. Got this huge tension knot right between my shoulder blades- where I, of course, am unable to reach.

Not that it’d matter if I could: don’t really know whether I give good massages or not- can’t really give myself one to find out. Just know it is something that is often asked of me: has been since I was a little kid slaving away on my grandmother’s back every night for what seemed like hours before she’d finally say I could be done & go to sleep.

But, as has been the #1 dilemma in my life, there are no hands offered to me- no arms to fall into at night when I’m feeling overwhelmed and achy from the day’s work.

I don’t mean to throw myself a pity party: I’m just kinda tired of always being needed- not wanted. I’m also tired of giving so much of myself to everyone else, yet feeling undeserving of anyone’s help. But mostly, I’m tired of feeling so much love for so many while still feeling utterly unloved by any.

I’m just tired of not having a friend like me 😦

This Is Why It Hurts…

So you know how every time we’ve ever “hooked up,” you’ve become so cold & distant afterwards? It’s like there’s this huge buildup of innuendo, culminating in the briefest of visits, then nothing: I barely hear from you for several weeks to months or even more.

Well…

THIS IS WHY THAT HURTS!!!!!!!

It hurts cuz you don’t call me & I feel like you don’t care.

It’s hurts cuz you don’t miss me- like you’re glad when I’m not there.

It hurts cuz idk when/if I’ll ever see more of you.

It hurts cuz idk if/whether you still wanna see me too.

It hurts cuz idk if somehow you’ve been disappointed.

Like maybe I’m not enough for you cuz I’m not double-jointed!

It hurts cuz sex is just one aspect of how we should connect.

It hurts cuz I often break my neck to give the sex that you expect.

It hurts cuz I’m not sure you care or that you even miss me.

It hurts cuz the last time you were here, you didn’t even kiss me.

It hurts cuz you want so little when I give so much more.

And cuz my heart is caught in limbo- wondering if I’m just your whore.

So, from now on- if you wonder why I send so many texts: it’s cuz I need to know that we’re still FRIENDS & I’m worth more to you than sex!