Monthly Archives: October 2013


Funny how I spent the entire day working on a project for you– even though I’m currently not speaking to you- yet had no desire to even attempt to contact you: because I was HAPPY!!!

Then my evening was spent trying to help others who’ve actually been there for me when I needed them, & resulted in me feeling lonelier than I’d felt the entire time I’d been home alone- working on a project for you!

Now all I want to do is talk to YOU, but I can’t: turns out you didn’t ever actually exist outside of my mind & heart after all ūüė¶


Our souls are entwined
Yours and mine
I’ve known it for all time
You choose not to see
And refuse to believe
But in the end you will find
That your heart belongs to me
I can’t take it by force
Nor would I- of course!
But sooner or later
As you’re seeking the source
Of your happiness
You’ll realize
It lingers only in my eyes
My love is the prize
So call- I’ll be waiting
When you can find time
Whenever you’re ready
For our lives to entwine


Wish you’d quit being a douche and just get over yourself already: tired of being ignored. Not by you: used to that already. But for some weird reason, every time YOU quit talking to me, something in the Universe & all it contains somehow shifts and suddenly the ONLY ones who reach out to me are the ones I was trying to ignore because they were trying to pull me away from you. So wtf?

Maybe I AM just crazy or whatever. But when coincidences continue to occur repetitively over time, they’re no longer considered coincidental: they are then termed correlated & science attempts to discover, prove and REVEAL their relation! When an unfavorable outcome is at stake, it is how we determine PREVENTION! When outcomes are favorable, it is then reportable as a scientific FACT that we should do more of one if we desire more of the other.

But you are not a monkey so I don’t have legal authority to manipulate your brain for the purpose of testing my hypothesis. I can only continue observing- and making note of- the circumstances & coincidences that occur.

But this is like the twelfth time this same EXACT coincidence has now occurred. What do you think other scientists would infer from results such as these, hmmm…?

I’m A Little Teapot…

She said I could vent to her if need be. But what good would “venting” do if I’m only confiding in HER what I really need to express to YOU!?

For example: why should SHE care that I think you’re making a huge & devastating mistake? What would SHE do with the knowledge that we were what was originally meant to be? How would confessing to HER all the secrets of MY heart ever take back the damage & give us another start? It won’t.

Is it that you never cared or that we never even tried? I just can’t find it anywhere: lost in this ocean I have cried. It has eluded me since I first laid eyes on your mysterious smile. The truth is what I seek, but hasn’t surfaced in a while.

Were my instincts somehow wrong or are you just ignoring yours? I’ve not seen you in so long, and it was all behind closed doors. So is it you I really know? Or how you wanted to be known? I wish you’d give the blow-by-blow. But still I’m treated like a child- you refuse to see how much I’ve grown. You refuse to look at me at all, or else you glance but never see: I’m the one who scaled your wall. That pain in your heart is only me.

I never meant to be a pain or cause you any type of stress. But in a way I can’t be blamed: your silence put me in duress. I know you think I’m crazy and that this is all a game. It really does amaze me how it is you feel no shame. Blame it all on me, I dare you to. But remember this one thing: I’m the angel who took better care of you; you’re not the only one with wings.

Parenting 101

Lesson #1: You’re not raising a CHILD, you’re raising a FUTURE ADULT!!! Teach them accordingly and TALK TO THEM as such or you run the risk of adding just another GROWN CHILD to a society that is currently experiencing a major shortage of healthy, stable, fully-functioning ADULTS.

How To Find God…

I’m exhausted! It’s 3:20 on a sunny Sunday afternoon, and I’m literally freakin’ exhausted!!! Judging by the title, you’d probably assume I’ve been busy with church activities since like seven or eight this morning, right? I mean- that’s assuming you’d assume things like that. Hell no! I honestly¬†hate¬†going to church- I mean¬†genuinely despise it at this point in life. I assume you either feel the same or are at the least intrigued by this or else you wouldn’t still be reading this far- unless you’re one of those, “You just haven’t found the right one. You should come to¬†mine!” types and are eagerly awaiting my¬†reason for openly admitting something like that (as if there were only¬†one…) even though you’d never believe it in this lifetime if I told you anyhow.

You want the truth? The¬†plain and¬†simple¬†truth!? The freakin’ god’s honest¬†TRUTH!? Okay. Here goes: cuz the ass hole’s¬†making¬†me!!¬†Yeah- that’s right, you heard me: god can be a real¬†asshole sometimes. But it’s only because we’re so frustrating our¬†damn¬†selves!!! For example: technically, the¬†real¬†reason I don’t like going to church is because- of the dozens I’ve attempted to “join” along the way- not a single one of them made the cut. Why? You ask a¬†very¬†good question, Young Grasshopper! It’s simple- because religion is bullshit!!!

Now I’m not saying there’s no Divine Force at work in the Universe that’s greater than all of us combined. There most certainly is- you can bet on that for damn sure! But what you might¬†not know- especially if you¬†are religious is this: Contrary to popular belief, there is really¬†no such thing¬†as this so-called¬†free-will that supposedly “separates us from other animals”- it simply¬†doesn’t exist. It’s a¬†myth, a freakin’¬†ruse: an¬†illusion of the¬†mind¬†that “God”- or MH, as I call him/her/it/he/she/we/us & they- and any other forms of grammar for ways of expressing the personification of a¬†power– an¬†energy that exisits in literally every single nano (?) of every little molecule of¬†every¬†noun (person, place, thing or idea!) that has ever or¬†will¬†ever¬†exist in the universe and¬†all it contains¬†in the history of¬†EVER¬†is somehow not the¬†sole¬†puppeteer in this “play” we’ve been calling life!!!¬†END OF STORY!!!!!!!!

The Most High- or MH, as¬†I call (him)- is an ageless, sexless, non-denominational being, or power– if you will, that cares nothing for things like¬†race, religion, creed, national origin, sex, sexual preference(s),¬†or any other¬†physical, mental,¬†or¬†spiritual labels the numnuts of this¬†world have seen fit to stamp on your¬†forehead!!! MH loves¬†everyone¬†and even all the¬†things¬†in¬†this¬†world! And why shouldn’t he, huh?¬†(HE) MADE THEM!!! Now, there¬†are a few things that are¬†still in this beautiful paradise MH has given us that he sure as¬†hell¬†isn’t too fond of: much like¬†roaches, they’ve managed to¬†surpass extinction¬†way longer than it was originally¬†intended.¬†But it’s not necessarily¬†anything you’d expect that tics (him) off,¬†I can tell ya¬†that right now.¬†MH‘s number¬†one pet peeve is a¬†selfish and¬†persistent¬†attempt to gain¬†power and/or¬†recognition for all the¬†wrong reasons!¬†Any attempts to gain¬†control over the¬†human mind sorta piss (him) off. But if your¬†intention¬†for¬†striving much too¬†hard to¬†achieve, say¬†fame¬†and¬†fortune, is actually a¬†noble¬†one, then you’re just basically kicking your¬†own ass and I¬†highly suggest that you read¬†The Catcher In The Rye before making the next move. It maybe won’t¬†affect you quite as¬†intensely as it just affected¬†me, but as soon as you reach the¬†final sentence, you’ll know what I mean- and no¬†skipping ahead: read it all¬†cover to cover, even¬†if you’ve read it¬†before. Do it,¬†do it¬†now!!! Go on,¬†I’ll wait for you.


life is suffering

Genius…especially the last line ūüėČ


ladies and gentlemen if you want to truly be a success on this earth
heres what you must do
1st youve got to cut out the coffee when you wake up
its just a sugary kick in the balls to that devil in you
fuck your lazy body
don’t give that mother fucker sugar
2nd you’ve got to start smoking weed when you wake up
now, i know what you’re thinking
hes trying to be funny
i’m dead serious
5-6ish am your spirit is a wet noodle
you gotta get aligned son

the mind/body dilemma
do you ramp your day up with coffee for the body
or a little bit of love for the mind
just to balance yourself out, ya know
you can be an asshole for the whhhhhhole remainder of the day
i’m just asking for about 7 minutes of your time
and i’m not saying get stoned…

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If It Walks Like A Duck…It’s Probably A COW!!!

So I’m finally reading The Catcher In The Rye for the first time ever: not sure if it was still “banned” when I was in high school, but it’d always been a book I kinda knew I should read- as any & all “banned books” usually are. Sadly, however, my love of books lost the battle to my love of boys sometime during middle school (not having a healthy male role model in your life tends to do that to a girl.) Needless to say- I had “daddy” issues and therefore chose the absolute¬†worst¬†of the “bad-boys” to cling to. I suppose that’s why I went from being hell-bent on “saving myself” until I found my “one” to becoming just another pregnancy statistic in the then-budding epidemic of underage baby-makers who thought getting knocked-up in the back seat (or in my case- the front: he drove a “hoopty”) of HIS¬†car well before ever learning to drive our own¬†equaled “true love.” It’s also probably how I went from testing into MENSA before I was eight to giving up on myself and just getting my¬†GED¬†well before I’d reached eighteen.

I’m only five chapters in but already amazed by the character “Jane Gallagher” who apparently was me in my former life and grew up with the former incarnation of the¬†same sexually-inappropriate “boozer” as I did! Only then, he was¬†still her¬†mom’s boyfriend; in this incarnation, he was my¬†grandmother’s: much,¬†much creepier- I’d say. My friends all certainly thought so!!! I have this theory of the Universe (use “God if that offends you & vice versa…) and the “divine plan” of all creation that came to me during my “crazy,” but I’ll explain¬†that in another post! Suffice it to say that my theory of “the plan” involves reincarnation with each subsequent life giving another degree of separation from the “bad” allowing us to be one step closer to¬†our¬†ideal life- the life¬†we’d prefer to live over & over throughout eternity. Because, no offense, but the “heaven” religion tried to sell us growing up really¬†doesn’t¬†sound so “heavenly” now does it? I mean c’mon: streets of¬†GOLD!?¬†Gates of¬†PEARL!?¬†Who wants all that “bling” going to waste on the infrastructure!!?? And why does Heaven have to be a¬†gated community?¬†That just says it probably costs too much to get¬†in¬†in the first place- and once you’re in, you’ll have to go through¬†HELL¬†to get¬†out. Again, it’s just my opinion- but I’d never want to be trapped¬†anywhere¬†(especially this ungodly bourgeois place!!!) knowing I wouldn’t have the option of leaving…for all of eternity.

But I digress: this isn’t a story about my spiritual beliefs, it is a story about how we see the world. Not literally¬†see¬†the world as in travel- haven’t had an opportunity to do much of that in this life, (so far!) but rather how we’ve been programmed to see things¬†in¬†the world. First of all, it’s the¬†world that’s actually “bipolar”- not me: why else would so many sentences start with, “There’s two kinds of people in the world…” fill in the blanks as you see fit. Again, my whole “it’s¬†ALL gang-related” rant will have to be another page in itself- what can I say: I spent the last thirty-two years¬†thinking¬†instead of¬†doing. But I seriously did identify the “two types of people” as it pertains to my topic: those who view life¬†top-down and those who view it¬†bottom-up.

The top-down person sees surface first and tends to never delve any deeper for fear of what might be hiding underneath. I believe this is because they, themselves, assume they’re being viewed only on the surface as well. Therefore, they will go to great lengths to give the¬†appearance of whatever¬†they think you think is “normal.” But just below the surface lies all of the “dirty little secrets” they’ve swept under the rug or stuffed in a closet somewhere because they are afraid of being judged by you for¬†who they really are- they obviously assume you wouldn’t approve. While there¬†are¬†those of us who “put on airs” as a means of showing respect in certain situations- I’d never be my¬†total self when meeting someone’s parents, for example: I know full-well that much “crazy” must be revealed in small doses, if at all. But I don’t think that makes me a hypocrite: just a crazy, freaky girl who doesn’t want to get off on the wrong foot with your family-¬†or¬†offend¬†anyone, for that matter.

The problem with top-down vision is that you never seem to try to get to the bottom of things- literally¬†and¬†metaphorically. Seriously, I first realized this while cleaning my mom’s house last year just before the holidays: I actually found things that had been “lost” since we’d first moved in- almost¬†fifteen¬†years prior! That’s when I connected the¬†physical symptoms with the¬†emotional. See, people like my mom are the type who don’t “believe in” seeking professional help for something that’s still able to remain under the surface- mentally¬†or physically. I always used to call it her “see no evil…” syndrome because that’s exactly how she thought: as long as no one¬†else can see what I’m¬†afraid to look at, I’m okay. People like her just build layers upon layers over the years and see it as a good thing because the deeper the layers of “ugly,” the less surface that’s left to have to make pretty.

Me, on the other hand, I clean from the “bottom up.” Meaning I don’t consider it “clean” until I’ve gotten down to the walls and baseboards. I¬†do have a reputation for being “nasty” because, in the decade I was able to keep a place of my own, it’d spend a¬†majority of the time looking like a dumpster-bomb had gone off. But when I finally¬†did get around to cleaning it- like once a season or so- it was freakin’¬†immaculate!!! I’d always take pictures because I knew it wouldn’t stay that way for long- you show me a single mom with a spotless house & I’ll show you someone who just finished cleaning it because she knew you were coming. Of course, it didn’t go to hell all at once: for awhile I’d put forth the effort to clean up after myself and my two adorable- but¬†nasty!– children. Inevitably, however, being that I was¬†way outnumbered (we had a dog too!) it would get to a point where I knew I’d need more time than was available to get it cleaned to¬†my standards. This was usually when I began my “strike” which would culminate in our place getting worse each week until I simply couldn’t stand it anymore- or wanted to impress someone who might be coming over. Since I’m not much on impressions- I must pretty much be in¬†love¬†with you (or someone close to you…)¬†in order to actually care what you think of me- the latter was pretty rare: occurring approximately four times a year.

But I see “bottom-up” in everything- including myself. I¬†do see what’s on the surface first, but I immediately look to the very core in order to attach meaning to what I see. A prime example: grocery shopping. I once knew a chick who seriously ¬†ironed sweats just to go to the grocery store!!! One morning last winter, my daughter woke up with a¬†severe craving for¬†Eggo¬†waffles- naturally, we were fresh out. I could’ve just made her eat something else- but then her sister just¬†had¬†to have them too: and that was simply a battle I preferred not to have unnecessarily. Did I take a shower, get dressed, put on¬†make-up¬†(really!?) and fix my hair before I left?¬†Hell¬†no!!! That would’ve taken at¬†least¬†an hour or two: much like cleaning, I rarely get all “dolled” up now that I’ve got kids- but when I do, I do it to the nines. Honestly, I probably didn’t even comb my hair or brush my teeth first- I¬†was going to get breakfast, remember? As I was high-tailing it from the frozen foods to the checkout, my appearance suddenly occurred to me so for a split-second I pondered what others who saw me might be thinking. But then my instincts kicked back in so I asked myself what¬†I would be thinking if I saw¬†someone¬†else in my same situation- I am, after all, far too critical of¬†myself yet almost always look for the best in¬†others.¬†Of course, having now been in that situation myself, I realized I would’ve simply felt empathy for¬†their¬†Saturday-still-in-PJs-kids-need-food dash through the grocery store- DUH!!!

Remember those “magic eye” puzzles? You know- the ones where in order to even¬†see¬†the image, you’d have to look “through” the ugly picture’s surface ’til you focused your eyes on the right colored blobs? They came out when I was about eleven or twelve and I, for one, absolutely¬†adored¬†them! I’d cut them out of the paper and tape them all over the walls in my room. Of course, I probably just loved them because they were different and trendy (at the time)- as compared to word-related puzzles like Crossword or Jumble. I’d say it also had something to do with the fact that¬†always saw the image: most times, within a few seconds. Others might struggle for nearly an hour or so before giving up, because they really¬†did want to see what I saw. But some people would basically just skim it over for a minute or two then give up- declaring it a “stupid puzzle.” While there were a select few of us who either “got it” from the start or were patient enough and persistent enough not to quit trying til we did, I’d speculate that- at that time- the¬†majority of human eyes weren’t able to see it. That’s probably why they were just a passing “fad.” I sure do wish they’d bring them back- whoever “they” are. I really thought they were beautiful- even when viewed on the surface: they came in all different colors and were like a rainbow filled with peace on my bedroom wall. If I could go back to see the “me” I was back then, I’d share an important secret with her. I’d tell her not to associate with anyone who looked but never saw: who knew I’d had the modern-day Rorschach tests hanging right there all along.

Btw: Finished the book- not sure¬†who I’d be: I’m¬†too connected with them¬†all.