Monthly Archives: June 2013

And still- you got me…

So much for me calling you with my heart: yesterday I tried to lay down to rest. I was all worked up over something totally unrelated to you. But even a double dose of my anxiety pills couldn’t slow my heart rate enough to relax: in fact, it only started pounding harder. Suddenly my mind was pulled to the various subliminal messages I’d tried hard to ignore all day: messages telling me to swallow my pride and make amends. An overwhelming sense of urgency rushed over me and I could barely breathe. I laid there trying to calm myself down- fighting it with everything I had: I was determined not to give in this time. As my heart was pounding even harder than the time I overdosed on caffeine pills, I started thinking of what I could say to try to put things right and relieve myself of this pressure I felt. But all I came up with was ??? Then I said you were right and the instant I hit ‘send’ I felt relief: my heart stopped pounding, I caught my breath and fell sound asleep. Please explain to my brain how it is you still get to my heart? And show me the way to reach yours…

What I Won’t Say

It’s been like 36hrs since I told you to go to hell- sorry about that btw: think we may have just had some kind of misunderstanding. But the fact that you said, “I’ll hear from you soon.” really got to me. Not sure if you were mocking me as if to say ttyl except you knew it’d be me contacting you first to try and smooth things over with an apology, or whether you were just stating a fact based on my prior actions. But either way, I’m taking it as a challenge.

You’re right: I am always the one to apologize, aren’t I? Guess it’s just because you mean too much to me to throw it all away over a petty lil squabble or misunderstanding like that. But what about you, huh? What I really want to know is: what do I mean to you?

Really wish you’d enlighten me on that subject for once: you might be surprised what good a lil heartfelt honesty can do for your soul. Even if your answer is simply nothing– the word, not the action- it would be better to know the truth once & for all than to continue wondering.

Everyone thinks I’m crazy or maybe just refuse to see what’s right there in front of my face. But they weren’t there all those times you came to me. They didn’t witness the passion, sense the vibe, or feel the love consuming everything around us til there was just you & me left. They didn’t see how the universe disappeared when I looked into your eyes, or how simply being in your presence elevated me to much higher levels than I’ve ever reached on my own: I was always my best self with you by my side.

At first it was that I was trying so damn hard to be “perfect” in your eyes, but then I realized I didn’t even have to try: the right thing just came naturally whenever you were there. Not even just “there” physically: sometimes you were only with me in my head. But either way- you always made me a better person: without trying.

I better go now- lots to do and time is running out. You were right when you said you’d hear from me soon. But this time, you’ll have to listen a little closer: this time I’ll only be a voice in the back of your mind. But if you pay attention, you’ll hear me. And if you take the time to listen, I’ll tell you with my heart what my lips won’t say.

Time for a cool change…

So I needed some time to mull it all over in my head & decided this blog should be about me- not just any one aspect or relationship but completely and totally 100% JUST ME!!! Granted, his smug arrogance is what’s currently bringing me down. But it’s not him I should be disappointed in: it’s my own heart for responding so strongly to such an asshole in disguise. And if it isn’t my heart making the wrong choice, then he’s just acting like a douche for spite. So either way, the problem isn’t him: it’s the fact that my heart is pulled so strongly to him, so much so that I’m not sure anyone else is strong enough to pull it back- except for me.

I Hate Everything…

I hate the roller coaster & never knowing where it goes

I hate the ups & downs of navigating highs & lows

I hate the racing thoughts but even more: the zombie slows

I hate how no matter what I do- the crazy’s all that shows

I hate that no one cares, yet I still care too much

I hate the days like this when the hate’s my only crutch

I hate that love is blind and therefore you will never see

I hate that you think hate is what you really feel for me

I hate that I can’t seem to write anything worth your time to read

I hate that I can’t hate you: that your love’s my biggest need

I hate you had to leave- and I don’t know if I should wait

But more than anything: I really just hate hate 

Thanks For Not Caring

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I passed the inspection with flying colors- not that you care. The best part about that is how sweet the victory will be knowing it didn’t come from you: I did this for me. It occurred to me after re-reading the last text you sent that the phrase “trying to help a friend” referred to him- not me. So you cared enough about him to break your silence to me on his behalf: why couldn’t you do the same for ME at some point during all those months I’d begged for guidance & support, huh? Was it that you were really too busy to call & give me the number of a mutual friend you believed could provide a source of relief in your absence? Or have I just actually been delegated to less than a friend status, making me unworthy of the effort- yet still good enough to sleep with just one more time: just enough to make me change my mind about going home and opt for slumming it in Alabama instead? Which is it!? Doesn’t even matter: you wouldn’t answer with complete honesty- if you’d answer at all. And I was feeling too good about me to let thinking of you get me down. So I’ma get back to this Girl Code marathon then maybe go ring my own doorbell til somebody comes. Thanks again for (not) even caring

Stopping For Directions

Can you help me? I’m lost: I can’t find my happy place. I was just there yesterday I know but I must have been kidnapped because I have no clue how I strayed so far so fast. If you could just point me in the right direction, I’d be much obliged. I don’t have much time so just send me positive vibes and I’m sure my internal GPS will kick back in eventually. Please and thank you O_O

Why Am I Still Up!?

So I have exactly twelve hours and forty minutes until the DCS chick will be here to inspect- and my mom’s house still looks like Hurricane Katrina just missed it. Oh well- not much I can do at this point: she’s sleeping like a baby right here on the couch: a drunk lil passed-out baby without a care in the world.

I, on the other hand, can’t sleep: even more so than usual. So I just broke down & took a dose of sleep meds. With any luck, I’ll be passed out by three and wake up around seven. If I take my morning meds right away, maybe I can get my ass in gear by eight. That gives me at least seven hours to work the miracle it’ll take to get this place in order- I’m almost certain she won’t be much help. I dunno- think I can swing it? I guess we’ll see. Maybe you could pray to your god for me? I need all the help I can get!

Freshly Pressed!?

Okay I’m confused on this whole Pressing thing: when I click Press This a new window pops up containing only the title of the post with a period at the end. Do I retype the entire thing!? Surely not!!! Guess I should’ve done the “walk-through” rather than jumping in feet first…